Thursday, September 20, 2012

dr. jekyll

im struggling with two issues, issues that i know pre-existed, but are becoming more apparent in the face of the challenge.

one is that i over-eat.
the other that i eat my emotions.
and the third being a hybrid of the two which is the worst combination known to the dietary goal of leaning out, emotionally over-eating.

i close the restaurant on wednesdays and when we got a 15-top 45 minutes before we stopped serving the first thing i wanted was some chocolate. or when i realized amanda wouldnt be able to spend the night on sunday after the hookgrip event, my first thought was i should go home and bake some sort of paleo treat to get my mind off of it. even when im happy though! like when im wearing my all time favorite wardrobe combination of shorts and a long sleeve and get a gust of wind because its fall and thats my favorite season and i see the leaves changing colors even while theyre still a vibrant green...i want some sort of pumpkin confectionary. this is dumb.

i also have no idea when hunger will strike me. i thought because id only been oly lifting i wouldnt be as ravenous as normal, so i went into work ill-equipped. as in, with no snacks at all. i was there from 530pm- 12am, and while i kept trying to convince myself i could easily fast for this short period of time...the bartenders garnishes started looking realllll good. and then, late night staff meal was staring me straight in the face. a lovely concoction of french fries and our latest fry-cooks version of general tsos chicken. and i had some. yeah, i did it. i had 3 pieces of chicken, and about 15 french fries. my body didnt feel the immediate effects but man was my brain pissed. would it really be that hard to resist for another hour? to go home to awesome flank steak leftovers? and it wasnt even a painful hunger, it wasnt like my stomach was growling or i even felt 50% of the emptiness that comes when you really do need to eat again.

i feel like theres a balance of personalities inside of me, theres the one that signed up for the challenge and can totally reason away cheats and temptations because she has the end goal in sight, and then theres the one that wont believe that a few little cheats could ruin all her hard work, and says "you did really awesome in todays metcon, you should totally have a cookie."

hard-boiling eggs as we speak, i should probably just start walking around with them in my pockets.

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